Stand In The Rain (Hetalia AU)
by Tortugasychurros
Summary: You don't know what's wrong...So you just stand in the rain, and await for life to tell you why. Julchen Beilschmidt(FemPrussia) is in this situation. A sixteen year old girl, she's starting to lose the smile that has kept her going for so long. Transgender Character, Self Harm Warning, PruCan, GerIta, FrUk, and Spamano.


Preface:

Who are you? Surely this question is not that difficult. You know your name, your heart, your mind, and your soul. You can feel, think, move, taste; you can sense. You can speak and you can fight. These are common human notes that play along in a symphony with elegance. Like a quarter note, your heart beats; with a great roll of a snare drum, you fall in love; with the melody, you speak and sound your lurid, self-assured voice. The symphony is played with flaws, but at the very least it keeps going. Never once does the conductor stop it until the final note is played on paper. Sometimes there is a key change, a change in tone of the piece, but how can you really tell?

"Well I'm not tone deaf!" You may exclaim, "I can tell when a piece changes." As true as this is, take a "what if" into consideration. What if you were? What would happen? How would you cope?

Then again, what about you? Name something about yourself. What's the first thing you list? I imagine that would be your name, your age, and quite possibly your gender. Okay, that's fine, nice to meet you. Now, imagine If you will that you suddenly cannot answer those questions. You want to, you want to tell the world who you are but you are suddenly at a loss. You sincerely do not know.

How would you react?

What would you do?

Who would you tell? Who would you tell that you suddenly cannot hear your symphony and you can't remember your name?

And the ultimate question, would you do anything?

Chapter One:

"My name is Julchen Maria Beilschmidt. My friends call me Julia. I'm sixteen years old" She regarded herself in the mirror with dire concentration, her eyes half full of tears. She moved her insipid slim fingers along the surface, observing her face.

"I am beautiful. I am a creature of beauty. People respect me for my beauty. I am a brilliant girl. I am talented. I am clever. I am important to this world…I am a wonderful girl." She felt a tear slide down her face. Why she felt this way, she'd never tell. She didn't know. As she stared at her unclothed body in the full-length mirror, she felt disgusted, she felt uncomfortable.

Tears started to fall faster as she slid down the wall looking across at the perfectly neat room and everything, she felt, was a lie inside of it.

She was a lie.

She wept into her knees, trying to remain soundless once more for the people that she knew would hear.

"I-I'm insane." She sobbed "Purely senseless." She felt despondent, speculating what could cause such an atrocious sense, wondering how she'd forget about this paroxysm and go back to feeling as she did before. Julchen stood up and started pacing around the room, in one attempt to dry her tears, in another to understand.

How is it that one person cannot understand their own mind?

"What is wrong with me!" She cried out loud, immediately regretting it.

_Dammit I can't let them hear me. _She thought. _I'll just go take a shower…wash away everything. _It was the answer to all of her problems. If a shower or a good swim couldn't fix it, nothing could.

She opened the door and walked the few steps to the bathroom she shared with her younger brother Ludwig…who had been standing there the entire time, and had heard the entire thing.

Ludwig watched his older sister meander into the shower. On the outside, she surely didn't look like she was breaking at the seams, but he knew better.

Their mother didn't hear, listen, or bother past the self-conceited smile Julchen put on every single day. As long as the problems weren't evident, they weren't problems. Ludwig was convinced that his older sister had lived so long with the respect of her elders in hand; that she had also started living with the ideology they held.

"She washes away her problems." Ludwig's best friend Feliciano had told him one day. Feli's eyes sparkled with interest and admiration that the solemn blonde was so worried.

"I don't understand this. Is she depressed? Why would she yell at herself like that, and then as soon as she takes the shower she walks out like it never happened? If Mutti isn't there, it gets even worse. She trains, runs, fights constantly and I just don't…understand." He repeated himself, looking at Feli with frightful concern.

"Have you tried confronting her?" The brunette smiled

"I'm honestly scared to. She gets angry, upset." Ludwig kept his eyes low, staring and picking at the grass he was sitting on. He looked over and saw Julchen with her friends, Antonio and Francis. They all played games and she looked content now. He wondered for a second if they could see through her happiness as well.

"How long has this been going on?" Feli nudged him, bringing his gaze back.

"The tantrums? They started when I was in third grade and she was in fifth. The first one was small and indiscrete. It's been years now, Feli, and each one is getting bigger. Our mother is going to have to figure it out eventually."

He was brought back to reality with the sound of Julchen leaving the bathroom, wrapped in a towel from the chest down. She smiled at him.

"What's wrong with you, Bruder? Did Feliciano just confess his love for you? Kesesese~"

"No, nothing's wrong." He watched as she started to walk away.

"Schwester…"


End file.
